I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
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