Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Are my feet made of real feet?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Can I color on your dick again?
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
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