Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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