Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
this just has baby written all over it
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
