Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
