If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
