Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Randomize
