Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
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