The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Randomize
