I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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