If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
