Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
