maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Randomize
