just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
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