My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
dude. I can hear the air.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
