Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
