I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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