God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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