The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
