Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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