Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
