is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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