Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
