dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
