so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
