She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
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