also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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