i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
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