i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
is wine microwaveable?
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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