i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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