I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
