If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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