you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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