Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
