I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
