It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
