my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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