I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
