Umm I'm too high to move.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Randomize
