her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
