you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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