If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
