i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
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