I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
