Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I can't turn off my feet"
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
