Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
