It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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