I heard we made out
our cab driver is having phone sex.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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