lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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