I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
