Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Randomize
