so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
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