I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
