I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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