i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
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