Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
