take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
