I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
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