I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
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