Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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