Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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