Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
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My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
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someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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